One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
