Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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