I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
