nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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