So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
