I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
