I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
