Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
