My sheets look like a crime scene.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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