I think I won the penis lottery.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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