You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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