She said her name was "party"
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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