i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
