My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
