Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
