when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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