Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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