Your dad touched me again.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Operation Purity has been aborted
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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