The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
