hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
