Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
