i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
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