he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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