Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
