Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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