Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
