Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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