he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
