you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry my hands just texted you
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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