Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
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A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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