I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...