My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
