Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
