I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
