My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
