did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
