Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
