Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
as a side note pls kill me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
