using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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