we're chasing vodka with high fives
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
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im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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