Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
no you cant smoke seaweed
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
