Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is the high leading the old right now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
