sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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