Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
