new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
sex in a hospital.. check
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
A+ Viking dick
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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