My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
