someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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