absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
