You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
