I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
