My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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