I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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