hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
