I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
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I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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