Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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