I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
