I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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