Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
